Allow me to be real for a moment....

I have been doing a lot of thinking....a lot of soul searching lately.....and my life at 37 is NOT THE LIFE I,  IMAGINED FOR MYSELF.  Don't get me wrong, I have a great life, but I did not see myself being where I am....

I have, for so many years, ALLOWED MY FEARS, to get in the way of my DREAMS....

right now....I should be  A DANCER......I danced from the age of 3 until my I got pregnant at the age of 17......I never put on my tap shoes AGAIN from that day! NOR MY TOE SLIPPERS!

right now I should have MY OWN BUSINESS....but I allowed people to tell me IT WOULD NOT WORK, and it would be  A FOOLISH INVESTMENT.....

there are so many things that I could have at LEAST tried to do ........but my fear of FAILURE....is bigger than my DREAMS....

My fear of failure is CRIPPLING ME...
I can't allow that any more....

I said, that this would be the year that I STEP OUT ON FAITH....and If I fail...SO BE IT....
AND IF I FAIL, I WILL NOT STOP ....I WILL KEEP TRYING.....

I don't like to reveal what i feel are my WEAKNESSES TO OTHERS....
I feel like then,  they have the ammunition to HURT ME!
FOR YEARS I HAVE BUILT WALLS AROUND MY HEART, because people have hurt me both physically and mentally in my past!
I don't let just anyone in.....

and NOBODY will EVER know anything about me, that I feel you can use to hurt me...

But when I was talking to my pastor, he said, don't build walls.....he said "BUILD BRIDGES", bridges to elevate, overcome, and move forward.....
PROFOUND WORDS....

I have let my past DICTATE my future and I didn't even realize it....
THAT STOPS NOW....

I am already in the process of changing a lot of these things....
and I can't lie, I am still SCARED OF FAILURE...and I don't know how things will turn out....
but at least, I will KNOW what it's like TO AT LEAST TRY....

THANKS FOR ALLOWING ME TO BE REAL FOR A MOMENT....

Missing my boo!

Baptiste is away for job training, 20 business days!  he comes home on the weekend, but since we have been together, we have never been apart this long! its so boring and lonely without my boo! Only 7 more business days to go!
thank god for oovoo! that is how i get by!


PRAY FOR ME Y'ALL!

IN SHOCK...

 I remember when Whitney Houston first came out......I was in grammar school! I remember singing "Greatest Love of All" for our 6th grade graduation! I mimicked Whitney! Singing in my hairbrush or the broom, I looooooooooooved her, like she was family!

IT JUST UPSETS ME, that people only REMEMBER THE BAD things when YOU DIE....
what about all the GOOD THINGS....
her accomplishments....

WHO GIVES A RATS BEHIND about her addiction....
WHAT ABOUT THE WOMAN SHE WAS INSIDE.....the woman we all fell in love with....
I saw past all the BULL GARBAGE....the GIRL HAD PIPES....and she has been with me since I was a child....
Of all her songs.....YOU GIVE GOOD LOVE IS MY FAVORITE.....man, I remember singing this like  A GROWN WOMAN, swinging my hips and my hair......and trying to do THE CHURCH MOUTH TREMBLE when I sang....LOL  I know y'all know what the CHURCH MOUTH TREMBLE IS???????


My heart goes out to her mom, her daughter and BOBBY TOO! Contrary to POPULAR OPINION, Bobby loved him some WHITNEY.....and WHITNEY LOVED HER SOME BOBBY...and when you share a child and share that many years together, you gotta know that man is CRUSHED! That is the mother of his CHILD....a woman he spent YEARSSSSSSSSSSS with....He is HURT TOO!

Here's my where were you when you got the news Whitney Houston died MOMENT?:

I was at my mom's! Jariel was having a VALENTINE'S get together and my mom has a HUGE BASEMENT, so I was supervising! My cousin Mara, came over and said "GIRL, YOU KNOW WHITNEY MUTHA********** A** checked up outta here" DON'T ASK, everybody has that one ghetto ass cousin! I said "QUIT PLAYING"  She said "I'm serious as a HEART ATTACK".  I had left my phone at home on accident, so I ran and got my IPAD....GOOGLED IT....and at that time, my mom was screaming from THE FAMILY ROOM...."Danaaaaaaaaaaaa, somebody KILLED WHITNEY HOUSTON" Now, I don't care how somebody REALLY DIED, my mama is always going to say they were KILLED. LOL  I came in and it was breaking news on I believe FOX....

I had to excuse myself....because I was FLOORED......
I FELT THE SAME WAY when Michael Jackson died.......

Gone way too soon!
And yesterday when Jennifer Hudson sang that tribute.....I lost it!

where were you and how did you get the news Whitney Houston died?

I am going to leave you with my favorite Whitney song and Jennifer Hudson's amazing performance on the GRAMMY'S!

UNTIL NEXT TIME

My mind has been in a FOG

I have noticed that since my dad passed, my focus and attention span is very short! Honestly, since my dad got really ill, my brain hasn't functioned at it's NORMAL capacity! I think it's something I definitely need to address! I have been reading the same book for a month and I am only on page 46....THIS IS NOT ME! I read TWILIGHT IN ONE DAY....and that's over 600 pages!

I don't know if it's grief or what, but I don't ENGAGE in A LOT OF THE THINGS I ENJOY! Like baking, scrap booking, painting, writing, art journaling, altered arts, and much more! I mean, I have been doing these things, but not in the capacity for which I used to!

I guess, I lost my STEAM, MY SWAG, MY MOJO.....
the only thing I want to do is MAKE JEWELRY AND ORGANIZE......

I don't think I have really sat down and tried a new recipe, because I just don't want to be bothered with it!
I do feel I need to snap out of it, but I don't know what to do! kwim?

The loss of a parent, especially one that you are CLOSE WITH... it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst ENEMY!

SERIOUSLY!

I AM SUFFERING FROM A BROKEN HEART!
I just don't talk about it much anymore....

I think it's time I face these issues had on, and maybe it's time for a little counseling, because it has become obvious, I can do it on my own!

I am at a loss...and it's not only taking a tole on me, but EVERYONE that I am around! Especially Baptiste and the KIDS....

and I realize LIFE GOES ON .....BUT.....without my DAD.....IT'S  UNBEARABLE...

BUT, i have to go on, because I am a mother and a wife.....and I need to put my BEST FOOT FORWARD for my family!

WITH THAT BEING SAID, I have decided that I will speak with a PSYCHIATRIST, because I obviously need the help!

I start next week....two days a week for the first month....and then I will be reassessed! I do not want ANY MEDICATIONS....I am AGAINST THAT!

BUT, I will talk ....and try to get everything off my chest as best as I can.

My doctor, wanted to subscribe XANAX, but it's NOT THAT SERIOUS!

I do NOT need to be DRUGGED to get thru this, I just need somebody that I can talk to other than Baptiste and Jesus.....



Other than that, I have been fine! Kids are all doing good! Baptiste is doing well! Mom is still GRIEVING....but she's getting stronger! My brother and I are doing a little better! His kids are improving! My sister is wonderful, doing a lot of international travel with her job, and her kids are great too! pets great too! LOL 

I am the one that is in a little bit of trouble....and I thought it was time that I addressed it!

Well that is all...
Until next time...

BACK TO THE BASICS...

I look at some of these children this day and age, and I seriously want to CRY...
THEN ...
I WANT TO GO GET A SWITCH OFF THE TREE AND DO A DRIVE BY ON SOME OF THESE BAD ASS KIDS!
I was in Stracks minding my own business and this little girl all of 14 years old, said very openly and LOUD "I NEED SOME DICK ASAP"!  

I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.......
I gave her the dirtiest look ever and I almost hit this child in her mouth, because it was PLAIN DISRESPECTFUL...of not only the adults and elderly people around her, BUT MAINLY OF HERSELF!

If that is what you are doing at 14, IT'S NOT CUTE.....and YOU NEED TO KEEP THAT SHIT TO YOURSELF!

As a teen, I WAS DEFINITELY not an ANGEL! But, I had respect for my elders and myself!
I carried myself LIKE A LADY, because if I DID NOT, there was SUDDEN DEATH waiting for me at home!

But, I WANTED to carry myself like a lady! I demanded my RESPECT! I didn't allow the boys to feel all on me .....NO FREE FEELS HERE...
I DIDN'T ALLOW BOYS TO TALK TO ME ANY TYPE OF WAY....
and I got the UTMOST respect in high school!

My parents taught to RESPECT MYSELF..and then OTHER PEOPLE WILL RESPECT YOU TOO..
My mom taught me the importance of acting like a lady at all times!

You NEVER CAUGHT ME CUSSING LIKE A SAILOR IN FRONT OF ADULTS..
did I cuss amongst my peers, HELL YEAH....but in an ADULTS PRESENCE, NOPE!

THE WORLD IS SO DIFFERENT NOW...
PEOPLE ARE MORE CAUGHT UP IN BEING THEIR CHILD'S FRIEND THAN THEIR PARENT!

I am A PARENT!
When you get GROWN, we can BE FRIENDS! but right now, I am THE ENFORCER!
NO CHILD WILL EVER RUN ME OR MY HOUSE!

and ....I was A TEEN MOM!
I HAD MY FIRST CHILD AT THE AGE OF 18!
HE IS NOT MY FRIEND....HE IS MY CHILD....He will be 20 in November of this year and I STILL DEMAND MY DAMN RESPECT!

HE tries to tell me he is grown now, but DUDE, GROWN means YOU HAVE YOUR OWN....when you still need me to do shit for you, YOU ARE NOT GROWN!

NOW, am I saying I have PERFECT KIDS....not by a long shot!
My kids HAVE THEIR WAYS....each of them do...
but never will I have a child sit up in my face and CURSE...
NEVER WILL i have a child ARGUE WITH ME .....not WHEN I FEED YOUR ASS EVERYDAY!
NEVER WILL I HAVE A CHILD HIT ME...YOU WILL DIE THAT DAY! DEFINITELY...
Never will I have a child sit up and talk about SEX openly or allow them to do it in my house!

I WILL NOT BE YOUR FRIEND! I AM GOING TO BE YOUR MOM!
I STILL THINK OLD SCHOOL IS THE BEST WAY....
and I will get a belt or a switch in a minute....JUDGE ME!
I BELIEVE CHILDREN SHOULD HELP AROUND THE HOUSE! You DO YOUR PART in my house!
I am feeding you everyday and YOU CAN'T WASH A DISH? I don't think so!

I just feel sorry for some of these kids because they don't have a CLUE!
DISCIPLINE is a way of LIFE...
RULES ARE PUT IN PLACE EVERY WHERE...
Work, School, Law, Government, even SOCIAL NETWORKS...
and you will follow the RULES of my house, UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN...

if you don't...

THERE WILLLLLLLLLL BE CONSEQUENCES!

I am all for having fun with your kids! WE HAVE A BALL IN THE BROOKS HOUSEHOLD, but their is a difference in having fun and BEING YOUR CHILD'S FRIEND!

THAT IS ALL....

BLATANT DISRESPECT!!!!

I WAS OUTRAGED WHEN I SAW THIS, BUT NOT SURPRISED! GOVERNOR BREWERS NEEDS HER ASS KICKED FOR THIS!  But, Republicans are GREAT AT POINTING THE FINGER and this is PHYSICAL PROOF of that! I AM SO SICK of the BLATANT DISREGARD OF OUR COUNTRIES PRESIDENT! The media does not even address him as PRESIDENT OBAMA, they refer to him as MR. OBAMA! I don't recall Dubya being called Mr. Bush or President Clinton being called Mr. Clinton!  It's just BLATANT!!!! and I am sick of it! This man is DOING THE ABSOLUTE BEST HE CAN, he is BUSTING HIS ASS, and he doesn't get any FREAKING CREDIT.  Jan Brewers was WAY OUT OF LINE!  AND THE SECRET SERVICE SHOULD HAVE TACKLED HER ASS! That was a threatening motion! YOU DON'T STICK YOUR FINGER IN A GROWN MAN'S FACE! But, this is NOT SHOCKING TO ME....

Some things never changed! He is STILL A BLACK MAN....we have made GREAT STRIDES in this country, WE HAVE CONTRIBUTED SO MUCH, but the WORLD only SEE'S IN BLACK AND WHITE, which is sad in this day and age!

I am OUTDONE!

Letting go is hard....

Letting go....TWO WORDS ....SOUNDS EASY, but it is very hard...
Whether you are letting go of a person, a place, or even a thing....it can be very hard!

When my dad got ill, it was a shock... and before we could even get over the shock....HE DIED.  My dad was diagnosed with cancer January 6th and he DIED June 6th....HE DIED 6 MONTHS TO THE DATE of his DIAGNOSIS!




 My father died, but in a lot of ways I WAS DEAD TOO! I was DEAD IN MY SPIRIT! I was DEFEATED, because I thought my dad was INVINCIBLE! I really did! I really didn't even get a chance to prepare myself, because the whole CANCER THING was a SHOCK...and my mom had colon cancer and SHE BEAT IT! my mom was NO MATCH for my dad, so I just thought just maybe, he would beat this thing! HE HAD A QUADRUPLE BYPASS, and was walking the NEXT FREAKING DAY!  so......why couldn't he beat cancer?

I am still coping with this, but I learned in order for my dad to be at peace, I needed to let him go....
Absence from the body, means presence with the Lord, and he can't be in ANY BETTER HANDS THAN THOSE...

Now does that mean, I still don't cry or I don't miss my father....NO! JUST, means I am coping a little better and I NOW have peace in his death, that I didn't before....
Moving right along..

I was diagnosed last May with diabetes, I WAS DEVASTATED! This was like a DEATH SENTENCE for me, but I HAD TO LET SOME THINGS GO....It was either that or DEATH....which is what I was heading for with UNREGULATED blood sugars on the high end of 487 and dropping low as 39.  I had to learn that MODERATION for me, was the key and EXERCISE.  I like to eat what I want to eat when I want to eat it!  BUT THAT, WAS NOT WORKING FOR DANA.... so I had to start measuring portions, with cups and half cups AND I AM NOT GOING TO LIE, i hated it AT FIRST, but with time, I am now used to it! I lost over 35 MUCH NEEDED pounds, and I am still going for more! 

I am NOW off medication and regulating with taking bsl daily, exercising only 3 times a week, and diet!  and  I bet you are wondering if I cheat, YES, all the time, DO I FEEL GUILTY, nope not one bit, BUT DO I go back at it again, YES I DO, and that is what matters, NOT GIVING UP, even when you have weak moments!

I had to let go of my PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS OF FRIENDSHIPS AND RELATIONSHIPS:
When I love a person, whether it's my friend, family, husband, I LOVE WITH MY ALL....meaning, there is NOTHING that I would not do for that person! I am a VERY GIVING person, if you NEED IT, I GOT YOU....I am a PROTECTIVE PERSON, if you hurt the people i love YOU HURT ME, and I will protect them by any means necessary!  I am a OPEN MINDED PERSON, I am not judgemental!  I am a very HONEST person, so I will not SUGAR COAT anything for you....and I am ME.....ALL DAY EVERYDAY.....
but in saying that...

I CANNOT EXPECT EVERYBODY TO BE LIKE ME...
that is my DEFENSE ON EVERYTHING, how could you do this to me, when I would never in a million years do this to you?  I made this statement at least a million times in my life!

I cannot change people, I cannot save people, the only person in the equation that I can change or save IS DANA...and I had to learn that the hard way...

So, in 2012 if YOU DO NOT MEAN ME ANY GOOD, and I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE ....I had TO LET IT GO....


Why? because things effect me a little differently? Things affect my sleep, my stomach, my mind, I have headaches, I worry, and I am the only person LOSING SLEEP AND GETTING SICK! For what? When that person or persons is sleeping like a baby every night!

So, I LEARNED to remove myself and MOVE AROUND...
Sounds EASY ENOUGH, but it really isn't especially when it's FAMILY!

BUT, NOW that I have learned to LET GO....my life is so much easier! Seriously!
I breathe a little easier, I sleep better, my health is better....and I am so serious!

Some people say I have a "I don't give a fuck attitude", well, that's not it....I just don't allow myself TO GET HURT anymore!  Did you read that right? I said, I DON'T ALLOW MYSELF TO GET HURT anymore!  I can only CONTROL ME, and for a very short while my KIDS, because they will all become grown and be their own person(s). ....but,  just learned that I cannot expect everybody to do the things I do...go the distance I go....I am WHO I AM, and they are WHO THEY ARE ...and if they don't mean me ANY GOOD, or they ARE NOT GOOD FOR ME, I just let them go! AND....it was not easy, but I feel much better now that I did!

Yes, Letting Go is hard, but sometimes it is what needs to be done, in order to better your life!!!!!