Allow me to be real for a moment....

I have been doing a lot of thinking....a lot of soul searching lately.....and my life at 37 is NOT THE LIFE I,  IMAGINED FOR MYSELF.  Don't get me wrong, I have a great life, but I did not see myself being where I am....

I have, for so many years, ALLOWED MY FEARS, to get in the way of my DREAMS....

right now....I should be  A DANCER......I danced from the age of 3 until my I got pregnant at the age of 17......I never put on my tap shoes AGAIN from that day! NOR MY TOE SLIPPERS!

right now I should have MY OWN BUSINESS....but I allowed people to tell me IT WOULD NOT WORK, and it would be  A FOOLISH INVESTMENT.....

there are so many things that I could have at LEAST tried to do ........but my fear of FAILURE....is bigger than my DREAMS....

My fear of failure is CRIPPLING ME...
I can't allow that any more....

I said, that this would be the year that I STEP OUT ON FAITH....and If I fail...SO BE IT....
AND IF I FAIL, I WILL NOT STOP ....I WILL KEEP TRYING.....

I don't like to reveal what i feel are my WEAKNESSES TO OTHERS....
I feel like then,  they have the ammunition to HURT ME!
FOR YEARS I HAVE BUILT WALLS AROUND MY HEART, because people have hurt me both physically and mentally in my past!
I don't let just anyone in.....

and NOBODY will EVER know anything about me, that I feel you can use to hurt me...

But when I was talking to my pastor, he said, don't build walls.....he said "BUILD BRIDGES", bridges to elevate, overcome, and move forward.....
PROFOUND WORDS....

I have let my past DICTATE my future and I didn't even realize it....
THAT STOPS NOW....

I am already in the process of changing a lot of these things....
and I can't lie, I am still SCARED OF FAILURE...and I don't know how things will turn out....
but at least, I will KNOW what it's like TO AT LEAST TRY....

THANKS FOR ALLOWING ME TO BE REAL FOR A MOMENT....

Missing my boo!

Baptiste is away for job training, 20 business days!  he comes home on the weekend, but since we have been together, we have never been apart this long! its so boring and lonely without my boo! Only 7 more business days to go!
thank god for oovoo! that is how i get by!


PRAY FOR ME Y'ALL!

IN SHOCK...

 I remember when Whitney Houston first came out......I was in grammar school! I remember singing "Greatest Love of All" for our 6th grade graduation! I mimicked Whitney! Singing in my hairbrush or the broom, I looooooooooooved her, like she was family!

IT JUST UPSETS ME, that people only REMEMBER THE BAD things when YOU DIE....
what about all the GOOD THINGS....
her accomplishments....

WHO GIVES A RATS BEHIND about her addiction....
WHAT ABOUT THE WOMAN SHE WAS INSIDE.....the woman we all fell in love with....
I saw past all the BULL GARBAGE....the GIRL HAD PIPES....and she has been with me since I was a child....
Of all her songs.....YOU GIVE GOOD LOVE IS MY FAVORITE.....man, I remember singing this like  A GROWN WOMAN, swinging my hips and my hair......and trying to do THE CHURCH MOUTH TREMBLE when I sang....LOL  I know y'all know what the CHURCH MOUTH TREMBLE IS???????


My heart goes out to her mom, her daughter and BOBBY TOO! Contrary to POPULAR OPINION, Bobby loved him some WHITNEY.....and WHITNEY LOVED HER SOME BOBBY...and when you share a child and share that many years together, you gotta know that man is CRUSHED! That is the mother of his CHILD....a woman he spent YEARSSSSSSSSSSS with....He is HURT TOO!

Here's my where were you when you got the news Whitney Houston died MOMENT?:

I was at my mom's! Jariel was having a VALENTINE'S get together and my mom has a HUGE BASEMENT, so I was supervising! My cousin Mara, came over and said "GIRL, YOU KNOW WHITNEY MUTHA********** A** checked up outta here" DON'T ASK, everybody has that one ghetto ass cousin! I said "QUIT PLAYING"  She said "I'm serious as a HEART ATTACK".  I had left my phone at home on accident, so I ran and got my IPAD....GOOGLED IT....and at that time, my mom was screaming from THE FAMILY ROOM...."Danaaaaaaaaaaaa, somebody KILLED WHITNEY HOUSTON" Now, I don't care how somebody REALLY DIED, my mama is always going to say they were KILLED. LOL  I came in and it was breaking news on I believe FOX....

I had to excuse myself....because I was FLOORED......
I FELT THE SAME WAY when Michael Jackson died.......

Gone way too soon!
And yesterday when Jennifer Hudson sang that tribute.....I lost it!

where were you and how did you get the news Whitney Houston died?

I am going to leave you with my favorite Whitney song and Jennifer Hudson's amazing performance on the GRAMMY'S!

UNTIL NEXT TIME

My mind has been in a FOG

I have noticed that since my dad passed, my focus and attention span is very short! Honestly, since my dad got really ill, my brain hasn't functioned at it's NORMAL capacity! I think it's something I definitely need to address! I have been reading the same book for a month and I am only on page 46....THIS IS NOT ME! I read TWILIGHT IN ONE DAY....and that's over 600 pages!

I don't know if it's grief or what, but I don't ENGAGE in A LOT OF THE THINGS I ENJOY! Like baking, scrap booking, painting, writing, art journaling, altered arts, and much more! I mean, I have been doing these things, but not in the capacity for which I used to!

I guess, I lost my STEAM, MY SWAG, MY MOJO.....
the only thing I want to do is MAKE JEWELRY AND ORGANIZE......

I don't think I have really sat down and tried a new recipe, because I just don't want to be bothered with it!
I do feel I need to snap out of it, but I don't know what to do! kwim?

The loss of a parent, especially one that you are CLOSE WITH... it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst ENEMY!

SERIOUSLY!

I AM SUFFERING FROM A BROKEN HEART!
I just don't talk about it much anymore....

I think it's time I face these issues had on, and maybe it's time for a little counseling, because it has become obvious, I can do it on my own!

I am at a loss...and it's not only taking a tole on me, but EVERYONE that I am around! Especially Baptiste and the KIDS....

and I realize LIFE GOES ON .....BUT.....without my DAD.....IT'S  UNBEARABLE...

BUT, i have to go on, because I am a mother and a wife.....and I need to put my BEST FOOT FORWARD for my family!

WITH THAT BEING SAID, I have decided that I will speak with a PSYCHIATRIST, because I obviously need the help!

I start next week....two days a week for the first month....and then I will be reassessed! I do not want ANY MEDICATIONS....I am AGAINST THAT!

BUT, I will talk ....and try to get everything off my chest as best as I can.

My doctor, wanted to subscribe XANAX, but it's NOT THAT SERIOUS!

I do NOT need to be DRUGGED to get thru this, I just need somebody that I can talk to other than Baptiste and Jesus.....



Other than that, I have been fine! Kids are all doing good! Baptiste is doing well! Mom is still GRIEVING....but she's getting stronger! My brother and I are doing a little better! His kids are improving! My sister is wonderful, doing a lot of international travel with her job, and her kids are great too! pets great too! LOL 

I am the one that is in a little bit of trouble....and I thought it was time that I addressed it!

Well that is all...
Until next time...