You think u know me....

.....sometimes I feel like I am invisible.....people SEE me, but they don't really see me!

...I am misunderstood.......

I have been told all my life how beautiful I am on the outside.....AND FOR THE FIRST PART OF MY LIFE....I thought I could get by on my looks....I thought I WAS THE SHIT....seriously! I shit on a lot of people around me and was mean......and cold sometimes!

but what really people didn't know, was that I was hurting on the inside....I didn't feel very beautiful....

I used to BE A BITCH ......

I still am sometimes.....don't get me wrong....

but I was COLD....

...CONNIVING

AN VINDICTIVE....

but it was a reason for it all....

I have always had a TIT FOR TAT personality.....

If you HURT ME....I will ANNIHILATE YOU....

IF you punch me, I WILL KNOCK YOUR ASS OUT...

If you get me, I HAVE TO GET YOU BACK 10 TIIMES WORSE....

but that took alot of energy.....

Thank God, I am so much wiser, but still learning....

You don't have to do all that.....

Just let a PERSON GO.....

You don't have to go out of your way.....

Just let em go......

Oh when I learned to LET GO AND LET GOD........WOOOOOOOOOOO!

YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT A DIFFERENCE IT MADE IN MY LIFE........

I am still a work in progress!

I have so many people ASSUME shit about me....

Oh when I was younger.....in my early teens...people took one look at me and my body and assumed I WAS FAST....that I was OUT THERE....

Pretty girl with a banging body I had to be SCREWING EVERYBODY....

Being beautiful can be a CURSE AS WELL as a blessing!

I have always been judged.....

My teen years felt like being in a constant episode of mean girls!

I got into a lot of fights! I HAD TO PROVE MYSELF THEN...

I made a lot of examples out of bitches that's for sure....

People assumed I was soft, because I was short, pretty, and quiet.....

I tried to tell them "Not to let this pretty face fool you"

They didn't listen! God blessed me with these hands! I should have been a boxer! LOL

I can remember when I was in high school...my freshmen year, I was coming out of gym to the locker room and I got dressed to go to my other classes

5 girls grabbed me and ATTEMPTED to throw me in the showers with SCALDING HOT WATER.....WHEN I TELL YOU I WAS SLINGING HEFFA'S EVERYWHERE, and I got the leader Courtney Darby so good, she is scared of me to this day!

When the deans came in to break it up, they grabbed me and though that I was on of the girls involved in jumping another girl. I told him, they were jumping me, he said it was NO WAY IN HELL, because I didn't have a scratch on me, but they were JACKED THE HELL UP! Once he figured it out, he SHOOK MY HAND, and said "Sorry this happened to you, but you sure do know how to handle yourself" Well that was for damn sure! I have 4 brothers, THEY TAUGHT ME WELL!

I soon learned that FIGHTING wasn't the way either.....

But people learned to LEAVE ME ALONE TOO!

As I got older.....and learned to leave catty women and girls alone......

My problem became people thinking that I am CONCEITED.....

I am NOT CONCEITED....I am CONFIDENT!

HELL IF I DON'T LOVE DANA.....WHO WILL!???????

i know I have flaws! But I am still beautiful on the outside and on the inside!

I don't need anybody to tell me so....

I know it!

But I am gracious and thankful when a person recognizes it!

Don't get me wrong! I love my HATERS....I have so many!!!!!!

but I don't see why people hate on me....

I am the most loving person....

I will give you the shirt off my back....

so there is no need....

I am fun! More often than not I am the life of the damn party! I will keep you laughing....that's just me!

But I am learning...that people will HATE YOU SIMPLY FOR BEING YOU....FOR BEING COMFORTABLE IN YOUR OWN SKIN.....

WELL BABBBBBYYYYY, You may as well kill yourself, because BITCH I'M ME!

That's it .....That's all!

I am getting back into this blogging thing....

I have been so caught up into to twitter and facebook, that I forgot my first love..... My blog....
It was thru my blog that I have met so many amazing people that I am blessed to call my friends. I have a real love for my cyber buddies...I have shed tears, shared laughs, gotten angry, over things that have happened in their lives....we have prayed for one another, cared for one another ....and it is truly amazing....we have watched each other's children grow up.....it's really a true kindred ship that I have found with some amazing women and men....

People that I would have not otherwise met, if it was not for blogging or twitter or even facebook....it's crazy because I talk about some of you like my family has known you for years....

You are truly apart of my everyday I life just as my non cyber friends are ......

I love you guys with all my heart....and I have learned a lot from each and everyone of you...

I found a love for beading....
I am learning to sew and knit....
I have got so many great recipes.....THANKS ADRIENNE AND MO....
I HAVE got so many fashion tips and make up tips....Heads up on sales...coupon alerts.....
It's just amazing.....I have gotten some pretty heartfelt advice....even some constructive criticism that made me realize some things about myself....I embrace it all. because a real friend KEEPS IT REAL......I don't want anyone to agree with me all the time...and my Road dog Kim KEEPS IT 100, SHE DON'T SUGAR COAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SHE IS A RIDE OR DIE....LOVE HER TO DEATH....if I am wrong tell me, if I look like a fool, dammit say don't take your ass out like that....LOL

It is all in good fun!

You guys are an amazing....VERY DIFFERENT, bunch....no two alike and I love you all! Truly!

I am struggling......

with losing my DAD!

OMG.......I loved my dad more than YOU CAN IMAGINE...
we were soooooooooooooo close!
Even though I know my dad loved all his kids....I was DUBBED HIS FAVORITE! His baby! I know that to be a fact! Don't tell my other siblings!

When I say there WASN'T ANYTHING that my DAD WOULD NOT DO FOR ME....
I MEAN JUST THAT....

I could ask my dad to DO ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING FOR ME...He may fuss or even cuss me out, BUT YOU BETTER BELIEVE HE DID IT....

I WAS THE BIGGEST DADDY'S GIRL EVER....

My mom couldn't stand it sometimes....because if she SAID NO.....daddy said YES!

Daddy would even let me got outside when mama put me on punishment, but he would say, you better get your ass back in here before she get home from work, if NOT, YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN.....LOL

It was nothing for me to call my daddy and say I want some pepper steak and have him come home from work and cook it for me....
or say daddy let's go out to eat.....or daddy take me to breakfast,

My daddy was my world.........

Even when I got married, I would STILL CALL MY DADDY to do everything for me...and like always he would cuss me out and then come over and do whatever it is I asked him....

I will never forget when I was 19 it was a HUGE snow storm and I was coming home from school and I was so scared...white out conditions on the road....I WAS PETRIFIED...I had to pull over and call somebody....and that somebody was my daddy. I was HYSTERICAL, CRYING, I said "Daddy it's so bad out here, I don't know what to do, I'm scared" and he left work to come and get me. He brought his friend so that he could drive my car and my dad would drive me home. I was so HAPPY TO SEE THE BIG OLE GREY TRUCK...... He hugged me and kissed me and said "It's alright baby, daddy is here now". I remember being so happy, but I felt so bad, because my dad had to come all the way from the city to get me!

but that is how my dad was....

he would do anything for me....
My other siblings knew that too, and that is why they would send me to ask my daddy to do stuff, because they said he NEVER TOLD ME NO......


I see so much of my dad in me....
His feisty ways....
His low tolerance for bullshit....
His sarcasm....
His swag....

Oh I am definitely my daddy's child....

June 6, 2010 was the HARDEST DAY IN MY LIFE.....
You don't know how bad I just wanted to give up...just shrivel up and die......throw in the towel..

I have spent many nights in my bed........
especially that initial first week................
I really was a zombie.....
My family was really worried......

Then I remember having a fight with my room, I went crazy, throwing shit every where....jumping and kicking in my bed screaming I want my daddy...yeah I lost it....

and then there are those moments I just smile when I think about him....

but my heart will never be healed.....it will never be whole and I miss my daddy more than any one word in the English dictionary can describe...
My life is NOW AND FOREVER CHANGED......

I am struggling.....

This is my oldest son, Jacques Baptiste Brooks II. We call him B, short for Baptiste..... It used to be Lil' B, but he insisted at a very young age to drop that Lil off, because he was a BIG BOY....

As many of you know, I was a teenage mom. I got pregnant right at the end of my senior year in high school at 17 years old..... I managed to complete my first year of college right before I gave birth to him and I was only 18 29 days when I gave birth to this young man.

I STRUGGLED....yes I did! Not financially, because I did have the support of BAPTISTE and MY PARENTS, but I struggled RAISING a baby, going to college, and working 2, DID YOU HEAR THAT, 2 JOBS......because I didn't want ANYONE SAYING that I COULD NOT OR DID NOT TAKE CARE OF MY BABY......

I was A DETERMINED WOMAN....

I SACRIFICED AND GAVE UP A LOT ......but NOT WITH ANY REGRET....

I couldn't go out and KICK IT WITH MY FRIENDS....like I wanted too...
I couldn't be FOOTLOOSE AND FANCY FREE....I had another LIFE i had to worry about...

I GREW UP VERY FAST...
I was NEVER THE TYPE that put my baby off on ANYBODY, i took care of him myself!

Any help was VOLUNTEERED, because I didn't ask ANYBODY FOR SHIT....except for his DADDY OF COURSE.

I struggled with a lot of GUILT AND SHAME .....I was the youngest child and the first one to give birth to a child.

I was a good child for the most part. I EXCELLED IN school, graduated in the top 10 percent of my class, I was an obedient child for the most part, and i didn't give my parents too much grief, EXCEPT FOR MY MOUTH.....I had a lot of that........and so does my oldest son and my baby girl ......PAY BACK IS A MUTHA.......but getting back on track....

I was very scared and ashamed....

I held on to my pregnancy in secret for 5 months before anybody found out, except for BAPTISTE WHO WAS ECSTATIC......

I was SHOCKED.....foool how you HAPPY.......OUR PARENTS ARE GOING TO KILL US!

he told his mother right away and THAT HEFFA GAVE ME A LECTURE! I didn't appreciate it, after all she is NOT MY MOTHER.....

My mom ended up telling me I was pregnant.....
and man .....my PARENTS WERE NOT HAPPY WITH ME.......ESPECIALLY MY DAD, WHO STOP SPEAKING TO ME FOR MONTHS.........

but something amazing happened.....ON MONDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 1992 AT 9:14 P.M. I gave birth to a tiny little premie......WHO WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE UNTIL DECEMBER 31st......

He weighed only 6lbs 3 oz.....and he was so little and cute....head full of beautiful hair. I mean he had so much hair, my mom just knew it was a girl, but NOPE....it was a healthy baby boy....

All was right in the world....My parents were so proud and so happy of their first GRANDCHILD....

All the disappointment was WIPED AWAY AT THAT VERY MOMENT....

I gave up so much, but it was worth it........

Fast forward 18 years later.....

I am struggling with a different type of struggle......

My son no longer lives with me.....
He moved in with my mom.....

and while that is very NOBLE OF HIM....

I miss him being home....
I know that sounds selfish, but THAT'S MY CHILD....
I am not ready to let him go....

Sometimes I feel like I lost my dad and my son.....
Even though my mom only lives 5 blocks away...and I see him everyday....

It's a BIG DIFFERENCE...

I can't walk in the middle of the night and kiss him while he's sleeping ....
or wake up to him laying at the foot of my bed snoring.....

or see him fight with his siblings and then love them up the next moment....

The house is just off balance ....

because we are missing HIM......

I know it may be selfish, but I want my son HOME, but i don't know how to take him from my mom........she needs him, but so do I.......

so that is my struggle now....
Not being able to let go....

My kids are my world....and I love them dearly.....

Removing my shell.....

Warning: This is a very deep and emotional post!


One of the hardest things for me to do in life.....is TO REMOVE MY SHELL.

I am a guarded person! It's hard for me to let my guard down. It's not without good reason. It's because of many things..... I have been hurt and violated in ways that are unimaginable....

One thing that I never ever talk about ......
and I am shaking now even thinking about it is.....

Being sexually assaulted when I was 20 years old.....

I went to a party with my older cousin Tonya.....
We had been party hopping all night...

We ended up on what we call THE LOW END of the city....

I had a couple of drinks....nothing major, maybe 2 wine coolers or something and I was having a good time....

That night I thought I was the shit....I had just gotten my hair done, A symetrical bob, short on my left side, very long on the right, tapered in the back. I had on what I call the EN VOGUE dress, it was black, skin TIGHT, SHORT.............I had on the baddest peep toe pumps with a white bow in the back. I was FLAWLESS THAT NIGHT.....and I knew it.....AND SHOWED IT....
I was young and cocky....... I was getting a lot of action that night. Phone numbers were exchanged, dinner offers were made, and I knew DAMN WELL I WASN'T GONNA CALL OR GO OUT WITH ANYBODY BECAUSE I WAS ENGAGED TO BAPTISTE at the time and I had a little boy waiting for me at home.....BUT IT WAS FUN......GETTING ATTENTION........

My cousin Tonya had met up with a guy at the party and around 1:30 a.m she told me she was leaving with this guy.....and she asked me was I ok! I said yes, but I was really mad. How is this bitch gonna leave me at a party that I don't know anybody! She left and I stayed. At 2am....I noticed that the Male/female ratio in the party was off....It was more men than women and I felt a little uncomfortable.......so I called Baptiste and he didn't answer! I called my brother and he told me he was all the way up north and he could get there between a half hour to 45 minutes..... I DID NOT WANT TO WAIT THAT LONG, BECAUSE I FELT UNCOMFORTABLE......

I called my play brother Vertrell and he didn't answer... So I said FUCK IT....I am about to go to my car and drive home. I thought I was being very aware of my surroundings. When a guy walked up to me and asked me did I have any jumper cables......I felt funny, but I told him I did and began to walk over to my car, with my shoes in one hand and my keys in another. AS I got ready to stick my keys in the car to pop the trunk, a van sped up next to my car, and before I could yell, I was pulled in this van......

My clothes were ripped from my body and a knife was at my throat, and 3 men stood over me, my first instinct was to FIGHT and I did, I got the first guy right in his face, and began kicking, but it was useless against 3 guys, when I hit the floor, trying to hold on as hard as I could to my under wear, I felt the most horrible pain in my shoulder, I was being bit, by one of those animals. I still tried to fight in vain, and I was assaulted, I laid there for what felt like an eternity....During the rape, one of the men, kept saying "Let me make love to you Dana". I was HORRIFIED.....I did not know this man, I had NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER in my life seen him. He was the guy that asked me for the cables, but before then I had never seen him. I just start praying .....I knew they were going to kill me, so I prayed for it to be quick......Yes I prayed fro death.....DEATH WAS BETTER than having 3 strange men violate my body.....I couldn't take it anymore, I was JUST NUMB AND READY TO DIE.... and I think I YELLED OUT "JUST FUCKING KILL ME"......they laughed....and one said, we don't want to kill you bitch.....we just wanted to FUCK! I still prayed to die....how could I face my family after what just happened to me...

Finally, when they were done......they pulled into an alley .....and told me to RUN.......and I did just that......I toook off with, with no clothes, and ran right into the arms of a FIREMAN....I passed out......I don't know what happened in that time...i think my mind just blanked out, BUT I WOKE UP IN THE HOSPITAL, with rape crisis counselors, police detectives, and nurses and doctors everywhere.... I felt like I was being raped all over again, with some of the personal questions I was asked, the tests that had to be performed, and they 5 million shots I had to get in my ass.... When they asked me did I want to call anybody.......I didn't want to see anybody, NOT MY PARENTS, NOT MY SIBLINGS, NOT BAPTISTE, NOT anybody....

I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ASHAMED........
ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS TAKE A BATH AND CRAWL IN MY BED AND NEVER COME OUT.....

But I called my parents, my sister, and Baptiste.....

I couldn't even tell them what happened......
I told the nurses that the only way for them to come back to see me was if they DID NOT BRING UP THE INCIDENT, if they brought up, I wanted them to leave.

I didn't feel like ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS, I didn't want to have anybody looking at me......it was crazy......

My sister got there first........ she just hugged me, kissed me on my forehead, and held my hand....My BROTHER REFUSED TO COME, BECAUSE HE WAS FURIOUS, and his friends had to calm him down, My mom came in with tears and just laid on my chest, and when Baptiste got there everybody left the room and he just looked at me for 10 minutes and didn't say anything....I wondered what he was thinking..........but he just broke down and we cried together.

This happened to me 15 years ago......AND I CAN REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS 15 MINUTES AGO....this is something that will be etched in my brain FOREVER.....

Of the 3 men.......2 were caught and are STILL IN PRISON, the 3rd fled back to Mexico from where they were all from. They had an extensive record and I don't know how they were on the streets in the first place!

Turns out the one who knew me is the one who fled...he had been stalking me, for months....AND I HAD NO CLUE........His cousin attended my college and he saw me there, and from that moment, he got it in his head to pursue me. I was so angry. How did I not know someone was stalking me. and WHY ME?????????

It's scary knowing that he is still out there, I USED TO LIVE IN FEAR, THAT HE WOULD COME BACK AND FINISH ME OFF, but now, I am READY FOR HIS ASS IF HE DECIDES TO! I ALWAYS THOUGHT OF RAPISTS OF CRAZY LOOKING, UNKEPT MEN. I would have never thought twice about this man, he was attractive, clean, shaven, I had no reason to be alarmed, but I did feel something, and I should have acted on that instinct!

I blamed myself for years ..... If I wasn't dressed like that, if I would have just stayed my dumb ass inside and waited for someone to come and get me, if I would have never talked to that strange man, if, if, if........I still struggle with that sometimes....

I still have nightmares.....I still have moments where I just can't have sex......because this is on my mind......and Baptiste has been very, very, PATIENT......

I decided just a few years ago, that I WAS NOT GOING TO BE A VICTIM, I WAS NOT GOING TO LET THIS BE MY DIRTY LITTLE SECRET, THAT I WAS NOT GOING TO LET THIS DEFINE ME.......

but it was MY DECISION, i Had seen crisis counselors for years, support groups, but this was through my own self discovery that I made this decision! I just said Enough was Enough. I was imprisoned in my own mind!

I am NOT SCARED ANYMORE.....
But I AM ON HIGH ALERT WHEN I AM OUT....
this will never ever happen to me again............................I am PREPARED! and that is all I am going to say on that one. My DADDY MADE SURE OF THAT!

This really took a toll not only on me, but MY DAD AND MY BROTHER......my brother really felt it was his fault, because I called him. My dad, felt like he failed as a father because he didn't protect me. Baptiste went through A LOT OF ISSUES behind this and it's sad because we almost broke up over it. But, it was my doing! I just felt like I was damaged goods and he deserved something better........

I know this was something horrible in my life.....but it CHANGED ME FOR THE BETTER....
It opened my eyes to HOW UGLY THE WORLD COULD BE...before then I lived in a PICTURE PERFECT WORLD.....I WAS WAYYYYYYYYYYYY TO TRUSTING........WAY TO NAIVE....

but it also showed me that THEIR IS ALWAYS LIGHT AFTER THE STORM....

Woo, I am in tears now, GOTTA SHAKE IT OFF.....I am such a STRONG WOMAN, and I think we go through things for a reason, this was my Cross to bear. This was my journey.....

We all have shells and walls.....this is one of bricks on my wall that I broke down....I have many more.......and they are slowly tumbling down.

Until next time......

Halloween recap

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