Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Removing my shell.....

Warning: This is a very deep and emotional post!


One of the hardest things for me to do in life.....is TO REMOVE MY SHELL.

I am a guarded person! It's hard for me to let my guard down. It's not without good reason. It's because of many things..... I have been hurt and violated in ways that are unimaginable....

One thing that I never ever talk about ......
and I am shaking now even thinking about it is.....

Being sexually assaulted when I was 20 years old.....

I went to a party with my older cousin Tonya.....
We had been party hopping all night...

We ended up on what we call THE LOW END of the city....

I had a couple of drinks....nothing major, maybe 2 wine coolers or something and I was having a good time....

That night I thought I was the shit....I had just gotten my hair done, A symetrical bob, short on my left side, very long on the right, tapered in the back. I had on what I call the EN VOGUE dress, it was black, skin TIGHT, SHORT.............I had on the baddest peep toe pumps with a white bow in the back. I was FLAWLESS THAT NIGHT.....and I knew it.....AND SHOWED IT....
I was young and cocky....... I was getting a lot of action that night. Phone numbers were exchanged, dinner offers were made, and I knew DAMN WELL I WASN'T GONNA CALL OR GO OUT WITH ANYBODY BECAUSE I WAS ENGAGED TO BAPTISTE at the time and I had a little boy waiting for me at home.....BUT IT WAS FUN......GETTING ATTENTION........

My cousin Tonya had met up with a guy at the party and around 1:30 a.m she told me she was leaving with this guy.....and she asked me was I ok! I said yes, but I was really mad. How is this bitch gonna leave me at a party that I don't know anybody! She left and I stayed. At 2am....I noticed that the Male/female ratio in the party was off....It was more men than women and I felt a little uncomfortable.......so I called Baptiste and he didn't answer! I called my brother and he told me he was all the way up north and he could get there between a half hour to 45 minutes..... I DID NOT WANT TO WAIT THAT LONG, BECAUSE I FELT UNCOMFORTABLE......

I called my play brother Vertrell and he didn't answer... So I said FUCK IT....I am about to go to my car and drive home. I thought I was being very aware of my surroundings. When a guy walked up to me and asked me did I have any jumper cables......I felt funny, but I told him I did and began to walk over to my car, with my shoes in one hand and my keys in another. AS I got ready to stick my keys in the car to pop the trunk, a van sped up next to my car, and before I could yell, I was pulled in this van......

My clothes were ripped from my body and a knife was at my throat, and 3 men stood over me, my first instinct was to FIGHT and I did, I got the first guy right in his face, and began kicking, but it was useless against 3 guys, when I hit the floor, trying to hold on as hard as I could to my under wear, I felt the most horrible pain in my shoulder, I was being bit, by one of those animals. I still tried to fight in vain, and I was assaulted, I laid there for what felt like an eternity....During the rape, one of the men, kept saying "Let me make love to you Dana". I was HORRIFIED.....I did not know this man, I had NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER in my life seen him. He was the guy that asked me for the cables, but before then I had never seen him. I just start praying .....I knew they were going to kill me, so I prayed for it to be quick......Yes I prayed fro death.....DEATH WAS BETTER than having 3 strange men violate my body.....I couldn't take it anymore, I was JUST NUMB AND READY TO DIE.... and I think I YELLED OUT "JUST FUCKING KILL ME"......they laughed....and one said, we don't want to kill you bitch.....we just wanted to FUCK! I still prayed to die....how could I face my family after what just happened to me...

Finally, when they were done......they pulled into an alley .....and told me to RUN.......and I did just that......I toook off with, with no clothes, and ran right into the arms of a FIREMAN....I passed out......I don't know what happened in that time...i think my mind just blanked out, BUT I WOKE UP IN THE HOSPITAL, with rape crisis counselors, police detectives, and nurses and doctors everywhere.... I felt like I was being raped all over again, with some of the personal questions I was asked, the tests that had to be performed, and they 5 million shots I had to get in my ass.... When they asked me did I want to call anybody.......I didn't want to see anybody, NOT MY PARENTS, NOT MY SIBLINGS, NOT BAPTISTE, NOT anybody....

I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ASHAMED........
ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS TAKE A BATH AND CRAWL IN MY BED AND NEVER COME OUT.....

But I called my parents, my sister, and Baptiste.....

I couldn't even tell them what happened......
I told the nurses that the only way for them to come back to see me was if they DID NOT BRING UP THE INCIDENT, if they brought up, I wanted them to leave.

I didn't feel like ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS, I didn't want to have anybody looking at me......it was crazy......

My sister got there first........ she just hugged me, kissed me on my forehead, and held my hand....My BROTHER REFUSED TO COME, BECAUSE HE WAS FURIOUS, and his friends had to calm him down, My mom came in with tears and just laid on my chest, and when Baptiste got there everybody left the room and he just looked at me for 10 minutes and didn't say anything....I wondered what he was thinking..........but he just broke down and we cried together.

This happened to me 15 years ago......AND I CAN REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS 15 MINUTES AGO....this is something that will be etched in my brain FOREVER.....

Of the 3 men.......2 were caught and are STILL IN PRISON, the 3rd fled back to Mexico from where they were all from. They had an extensive record and I don't know how they were on the streets in the first place!

Turns out the one who knew me is the one who fled...he had been stalking me, for months....AND I HAD NO CLUE........His cousin attended my college and he saw me there, and from that moment, he got it in his head to pursue me. I was so angry. How did I not know someone was stalking me. and WHY ME?????????

It's scary knowing that he is still out there, I USED TO LIVE IN FEAR, THAT HE WOULD COME BACK AND FINISH ME OFF, but now, I am READY FOR HIS ASS IF HE DECIDES TO! I ALWAYS THOUGHT OF RAPISTS OF CRAZY LOOKING, UNKEPT MEN. I would have never thought twice about this man, he was attractive, clean, shaven, I had no reason to be alarmed, but I did feel something, and I should have acted on that instinct!

I blamed myself for years ..... If I wasn't dressed like that, if I would have just stayed my dumb ass inside and waited for someone to come and get me, if I would have never talked to that strange man, if, if, if........I still struggle with that sometimes....

I still have nightmares.....I still have moments where I just can't have sex......because this is on my mind......and Baptiste has been very, very, PATIENT......

I decided just a few years ago, that I WAS NOT GOING TO BE A VICTIM, I WAS NOT GOING TO LET THIS BE MY DIRTY LITTLE SECRET, THAT I WAS NOT GOING TO LET THIS DEFINE ME.......

but it was MY DECISION, i Had seen crisis counselors for years, support groups, but this was through my own self discovery that I made this decision! I just said Enough was Enough. I was imprisoned in my own mind!

I am NOT SCARED ANYMORE.....
But I AM ON HIGH ALERT WHEN I AM OUT....
this will never ever happen to me again............................I am PREPARED! and that is all I am going to say on that one. My DADDY MADE SURE OF THAT!

This really took a toll not only on me, but MY DAD AND MY BROTHER......my brother really felt it was his fault, because I called him. My dad, felt like he failed as a father because he didn't protect me. Baptiste went through A LOT OF ISSUES behind this and it's sad because we almost broke up over it. But, it was my doing! I just felt like I was damaged goods and he deserved something better........

I know this was something horrible in my life.....but it CHANGED ME FOR THE BETTER....
It opened my eyes to HOW UGLY THE WORLD COULD BE...before then I lived in a PICTURE PERFECT WORLD.....I WAS WAYYYYYYYYYYYY TO TRUSTING........WAY TO NAIVE....

but it also showed me that THEIR IS ALWAYS LIGHT AFTER THE STORM....

Woo, I am in tears now, GOTTA SHAKE IT OFF.....I am such a STRONG WOMAN, and I think we go through things for a reason, this was my Cross to bear. This was my journey.....

We all have shells and walls.....this is one of bricks on my wall that I broke down....I have many more.......and they are slowly tumbling down.

Until next time......

7 comments:

Thoughtsofsoutherngal said...

I don't know what to say so I'll just give you a virtual hug. (((HUG)))

toni said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I can't imagine how hard it is for you. But what a blessing it is that you are removing your shell. We never know how our pain can help others.

Cas... said...

Dana. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. You've been through so much. I want to give you a virtual hug too. Be and stay encouraged.

Cas... said...

Dana. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. You've been through so much. I want to give you a virtual hug too. Be and stay encouraged.

Adrienne said...

((HUGS))

Anonymous said...

Wow, you're very strong and I admire you for sharing your story, you can help someone else without even knowing it.

Staci said...

You are so brave to share this. I kept my rape a secret for a very long time. Bless you Dana.