Thursday, November 11, 2010

I am struggling.....


This is my oldest son, Jacques Baptiste Brooks II. We call him B, short for Baptiste..... It used to be Lil' B, but he insisted at a very young age to drop that Lil off, because he was a BIG BOY....

As many of you know, I was a teenage mom. I got pregnant right at the end of my senior year in high school at 17 years old..... I managed to complete my first year of college right before I gave birth to him and I was only 18 29 days when I gave birth to this young man.

I STRUGGLED....yes I did! Not financially, because I did have the support of BAPTISTE and MY PARENTS, but I struggled RAISING a baby, going to college, and working 2, DID YOU HEAR THAT, 2 JOBS......because I didn't want ANYONE SAYING that I COULD NOT OR DID NOT TAKE CARE OF MY BABY......

I was A DETERMINED WOMAN....

I SACRIFICED AND GAVE UP A LOT ......but NOT WITH ANY REGRET....

I couldn't go out and KICK IT WITH MY FRIENDS....like I wanted too...
I couldn't be FOOTLOOSE AND FANCY FREE....I had another LIFE i had to worry about...

I GREW UP VERY FAST...
I was NEVER THE TYPE that put my baby off on ANYBODY, i took care of him myself!

Any help was VOLUNTEERED, because I didn't ask ANYBODY FOR SHIT....except for his DADDY OF COURSE.

I struggled with a lot of GUILT AND SHAME .....I was the youngest child and the first one to give birth to a child.

I was a good child for the most part. I EXCELLED IN school, graduated in the top 10 percent of my class, I was an obedient child for the most part, and i didn't give my parents too much grief, EXCEPT FOR MY MOUTH.....I had a lot of that........and so does my oldest son and my baby girl ......PAY BACK IS A MUTHA.......but getting back on track....

I was very scared and ashamed....

I held on to my pregnancy in secret for 5 months before anybody found out, except for BAPTISTE WHO WAS ECSTATIC......

I was SHOCKED.....foool how you HAPPY.......OUR PARENTS ARE GOING TO KILL US!

he told his mother right away and THAT HEFFA GAVE ME A LECTURE! I didn't appreciate it, after all she is NOT MY MOTHER.....

My mom ended up telling me I was pregnant.....
and man .....my PARENTS WERE NOT HAPPY WITH ME.......ESPECIALLY MY DAD, WHO STOP SPEAKING TO ME FOR MONTHS.........

but something amazing happened.....ON MONDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 1992 AT 9:14 P.M. I gave birth to a tiny little premie......WHO WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE UNTIL DECEMBER 31st......

He weighed only 6lbs 3 oz.....and he was so little and cute....head full of beautiful hair. I mean he had so much hair, my mom just knew it was a girl, but NOPE....it was a healthy baby boy....

All was right in the world....My parents were so proud and so happy of their first GRANDCHILD....

All the disappointment was WIPED AWAY AT THAT VERY MOMENT....

I gave up so much, but it was worth it........

Fast forward 18 years later.....

I am struggling with a different type of struggle......

My son no longer lives with me.....
He moved in with my mom.....

and while that is very NOBLE OF HIM....

I miss him being home....
I know that sounds selfish, but THAT'S MY CHILD....
I am not ready to let him go....

Sometimes I feel like I lost my dad and my son.....
Even though my mom only lives 5 blocks away...and I see him everyday....

It's a BIG DIFFERENCE...

I can't walk in the middle of the night and kiss him while he's sleeping ....
or wake up to him laying at the foot of my bed snoring.....

or see him fight with his siblings and then love them up the next moment....

The house is just off balance ....

because we are missing HIM......

I know it may be selfish, but I want my son HOME, but i don't know how to take him from my mom........she needs him, but so do I.......

so that is my struggle now....
Not being able to let go....

My kids are my world....and I love them dearly.....

2 comments:

toni said...

You sacrificed and struggled and raised a young man with enough integrity and love for his family that he moved in with his grandmother when she needed him. Awesome job, Dana (& Baptiste, too, lol)

Monique said...

Look at it this way: all that struggling you did produced a wonderful, honorable man who understand that family must look out for family. You should be proud while you shed a tear. You did good, Dana.