Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Feelin' a little blue....

I feel it coming on....

Like a dark cloud hovering over me...a storm in waitng...
I am speaking of DEPRESSION. Yes, I suffer from it time to time.
Yesterday, I felt it coming on. The feeling of despair, feeling down on myself, the crying spells, the lack of appetite, the introverted period, where I don't feel like talking, or anyone talking to me.

I HATE THIS!!!!

Why did I get Depression!

Nobody else suffers from it in my family! Just me!

When I feel it coming on, I quickly turn to two things that comfort me, my bible and my journal! I almost wrote a book yesterday, about things I should be grateful for. I try to look at the positive, instead of the negative.

This rain does not help! LOL

Don't get me wrong, I am not running around homicidal or suicidal! I am not ready for the the straight jacket.....LOL. I just hate the feeling! I don't want to do anything. It's a STRUGGLE. A struggle to eat, to shower, to be a mom, a wife, I just want to be left alone. I don't feel like being bothered. Things that I am so happy doing, I love to eat, I love my children and my husband, but this illness, robs me of feeling a connection to anyone and anything, during it's brief period.

I am going to talk to my psychologist, who is also my ex-professor and make sure I get some sessions in this week. I always feel great when I leave! I feel a sense of relief, because I feel so GUILTY, when I go thru these periods of depression. I do not take medication. I take a more holistic approach, MIND, BODY, SPIRIT. I am more into meditation, autogenic training, and imagery. I, have never been into MAN MADE medicines....I get that from my grandmother. I go to a herbalist for all of my ailments. We live in a pill-popping society and I just can't get with that.... Taking medication everyday aint my thing.....LOL KWIM??


My husband can always tell when I going thru this period, because he is so gentle, so kind, and always checking on me... He gives me the space I need and steps up and takes care of the kids. The kids are understanding too. I don't go thru this often, maybe once a year, but Jaree demands her attention.....She will come get in bed with me and rub my back and tell me how much she loves me and I just hold her tight like a teddy bear, tears and all.....I don't like for my children to see me this way, and that is why I step it up and snap out of it when they are around. Then there are those days, when I am NO GOOD to anyone, not even myself, because all i want to do is sleep...

Today, I went thru a crying spell, and then I felt ok. I was able to do everything, I needed to do, clean, shower, get the kids ready for school, drop them off. I just had to keep my STUNNER SHADES on (as Bee would say), don't like the kids to see me cry....


I was diagnosed with Clincal Depression, when I was 12. I ended up in a hospital for 41 days, with a horrible bout of depressions. It has never been that bad! Maybe a day or two at MOST, when I feel so yucky.....

I guess because I recognize my symptoms early on and I know what I need....it's a quicky recovery for me, and I have a Psycyhology background, go figure, my bouts are very infrequent.

Did you know that DEPRESSION, has a feeling. It feels like someone dropped a weight on your chest and left it there. You can't get it off, you can't shake it. But, when the pressure is released, it's a feeling of euphoria.....elatedness, you go from being down, to flying high really fast!

I am surprised at myeslf, because 10 years ago, I would have never told anyone that I suffered from depression. Actually, people don't believe me because they say I am happy all the time. In fact, my nickname is Smiley...because I am always smiling...LOL, but I do! I wished I didn't, but I do !

I just know how to cope with it. I have the skills to help my self, pull myself back up. So many other people don't. They don't know what to do! That's why you have people that commit suicide, because they feel hopeless. They feel discouraged, they feel like nothing is good in there life, and depression tricks you into feeling thtt way. The best therapy for me, that is ...PRAYER!

If not for the Lord God, I would be gone! He gives me hope and the faith I need to get by.

Anyway, I am going to see my little cousin Mekkhi for the first time today! I am so excited! I have to stop by Wal-mart and pick him up some stuff, and then I am headed to the hospital to see my little pappoose.....LOl

Today, I have to take Jaree to cheerleading from 6-8, competitions are coming next month and then we are meeting up with friends for dinner.

Did anyone watch Idol last night??? Isn't Blake sexy! I really like him. He's one funky little white boy I tell ya. LOL Melinda did good. LaKisha, was ok. But those 3 are still my faves...Jordin is really stepping up to the plate. and if Sanjaya does not leave tonight, I am going to scream. Is it me, or does he resemble Michaael Jackson. He reminds me so much of him.....LOL

Anyway, I gotta make my bed, before my mom picks me up....

later taters...

7 comments:

em said...

Thanks for your post, Dana. My brother deals with serious depression...it's nice for me to hear others to give me some more insight.

Penny said...

I hope you feel better Dana. It's good that you have such a supportive husband and family.

BonnieRose said...

funny thing, i kinda posted about this today too.. lol read my post, and hey gf, pass the bubbly.

Pamsgroove said...

I hope you feel better soon.

Adrienne " A little dramatic at times" said...

Hope you feel better girl!!!!

Noelia said...

I will lift you up in prayers Dana and God will lift your spirits.

(((HUGS)))

Cheryl Wray said...

Wow, Dana, I am SO impressed by your resolution and your strength! I have never suffered from depression, but my SIL does and it is such a struggle for her. And it's hard for htose of us who don't have it to really understand. I can't even imagine!! But it sounds like you have such a wonderfully healthy understanding of it and you know how to help it. I think the writing in your journal about the good things in your life is just an amazing way of dealing with it! You're an inspiration!!