Jaree, Jaree, Jaree...

Today is going to be one of those days for me.....
I was up all night with Jaree, she is sick. She has a horrible cold. I try so hard to keep her well, because the slightest fever can through her into a seizure. I am so scared and monitoring her very closely. She hasn't been sick for a long time. I feel so guilty, like I was not doing my job. I know LIFE HAPPENS, however it is in the best interest of Jaree to stay well as possible. We have been lucky, that none of her near-fatal seizures have caused any permanent brain damage. That is my biggest fear. The last seizure was so bad. I mean bad. We lost her a few times, but Jaree is a fighter! She has been since birth. She had complications at birth, she was almost strangled by her umbilical cord and was in Neo-natal for a long time, fighting. So she came into the world fighting and she is very strong.

I was sitting here wondering, why Jaree? All my life I wanted a daughter. When I got pregnant with my first born child, I dreamed about having a daughter, buying frilly little dresses, pink layettes, ....but God gave me a son and I was ecstatic. I thought to myself, well atleast when I do have a daughter he could protect her...4 years later I gave birth to another son, and I have to admit, when I found out I was pregnant with a boy, I cried. But, then I soon felt guilty and didn't want my baby to feel how I was feeling. When Jariel was born, I couldn't have loved him anymore if he was a girl. I had become accustomed to having boys. I was in college, working, and a baby was not in the plans. Dh and I were very young when we started our family, and we were not married. Living together, but not married. We had been engaged since I was seventeen, but we always wanted this elaborate BIG wedding. Then it clicked, why wait. So we decided to get married. I still had a very HUGE weddding. I was fortunate enough to make my dreams come true... Still no baby was in the future.... When we got back from our honeymoon, I started to feel funny....thought nothing of it. Thought I caught a bug....then it dawned on me...hmmm.. I just might be pregnant. So many emotions went thru my head and I am said to say they were not all good ones....I was in my last year of college. I had already picked my courses for grad school, I was working two jobs and preparing for my career, dh and I were living with my parents and saving money to buy a home.... A baby was not in the plans for me at that time...But God had a different plan. I am ashamed to say that I had considered an abortion, but soon decided that was not for me. I could not live with myself, and I would always wonder what if...

My husband was excited. My parents were excited! My sister and brother were excited! My family and friends were excited! But, why wasn't I? I kept this a secret from everyone. Then one day I had a dream.....I had a dream of the doctor bringing me this baby wrapped up in a pink blanket and it was like my whole soul smiled. From that day forward, I was thankful to God that he chose me again to be someones mother. Because CHILDREN ARE BLESSINGS FROM GOD....THE ULTIMATE BLESSING! I don't think there is NO greater love than that of a MOTHER for her Child. I could be wrong, but that is how I feel.

When I went to have my first ultrasound, I was told it was a GIRL! A girl! I sobbed so hard! The technician thought she was going to have call the doctors. I have never felt such immense joy! My dream was now a reality.

When Jaree was born, there were so many complications with her and I. I didn't get a chance to hold her very long, because she was wisked away to neo-natal. I was going in and out of consciousness, because of all the blood I lost. Finally, I was stable enough to see my daughter and what I saw broke my heart! I fell on my knees. I saw the prettiest little girl, with the pinkest lips...but IV's in her forehead and both feet, a tube down her nose, and heart monitors all over her chest ......Was this a joke. Do you mean I waited all this time for a little girl and she could possibly die....Such a beautiful little girl. I am not bragging, but she was the prettiest child in the nursery, tubes and all....I think the nurses thought so too, because everytime I came a different, nurse had her in her arms....LOL

I got on my knees and I started to PRAY.... I prayed a prayer that I didn't even know I had in me. I felt I had brought all of heaven into that Neonatal room. After 7 days, my baby was ready to come home. The doctors told me it may take months, or she could die at any moment, but like my grandmother says "man proposes, god disposes"... I thanked the Lord! I kept thanking him and I continue to Praise and thank him...

Jaree is my only daughter. In fact, her dad calls her "his one and only". Why did God chose her to be sick. To have such a horrible disease like Epilepsy. Well, why not? Who am I to question. He obviously has a plan for Jaree. She is such a strong person, maybe this is why. I don't know.
Didn't mean to ramble on , but I have decided to use my blog as a source of letting things out...and that as on my mind, when I looked into my baby's eyes this morning.

On a ligther note, today I am going to see my mom...
All her tests came back normal today, so i am glad! Her potassium is really low, but everything else is normal. They did find some polyps on my dad, but the doctor said they didn't look cancerous, so we will find out soon!

I went out yesterday, feeling a little blah, so I treated myself to two magazines Essence and Real Simple, bought one of those glade candles that melt and disperse scent throughout the entire room, and some butterfinger minis. I have been on a butterfinger kick...lol

The kids want to see Monster House so I am going to go buy that and maybe watch it at my mom's. I will only get to spend a couple of hours because Jariel has Karate practice, that's a bummer!

I think its going to be a lazy day for me otherwise, just laying around and reading .....don't feel like much else...

Dana