Against all the Odds

I have been through alot in my lifetime... I look back and ask myself, why am I here? How did I make it? My childhood was not as rosy as, I would have liked it to be.. My father was an alcoholic, who could be verbally abusive. The arguments my parents had, when they thought we were asleep are engraved in my memories. When I was 13, a close relative, started a nasty rumor about me. As a result, I was not allowed to associate with most of my cousin, this rocked me to my core. I spent sometime in a psychiatrict hospital, battling a horrible bout of depression. I have just accepted this within the last 8 years. I used to be ashamed of this brief chapter in my life, but I have accepted it and learned from this experience. I do not care what others say about me. I define Dana, no one else can. I was also a teenage mom, I got pregnant my senior year in high school at 17. I was so scared and ashamed, I did not tell my mom until I was 5 months pregnant and actually she told me. My father did not speak to me until the day I delivered. He did not accept my then boyfriend (now husband). He was always mean to him and this just tore me apart. When I was 19 years old, I was sexually assaulted, by a man unknown. This haunted me for years. Right now, I have flashback and nightmares. My favorite cousin Sean, was murdered at the age of 19. This devastated me! We were two peas in a pod. Everyone thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend, because we were always together. The day he died, I was supposed to be on my way to spend the weekend at his house. My husband (boyfriend then), did not approve of our close relationship and went into a jealous rage and I was arguing for hours with him. I was just about to step out of the door when the phone rang, it was my dad telling my mom, that Sean was murdered. This was crazy, because about 25 minutes earlier he had called to see if I was still coming and told me to meet him at his friend Andre's house. I was in such denial, that my dad picked me up and took me to Roseland Hospital, to see for myself... When I got there, he was lying on a gurnee with his head facing the wall. He had gauze on his head and neck. When I touched him he was still so warm, and he looked as if he was asleep... I tried to wake him up and literally pulled him up and off the gurnee. I was so angry and blamed myself for years for his death. I felt if I had gotten there sooner, like I planned to, he would still be alive. I have struggled with his death for years...I don't blame myself anymore, but I do wonder what would have happened if I was there ... Would he still be alive or would we both be dead?

Of all things in my life that happened, Nothing affected me like the day my grandmother died.. Lets just say, my grandmother was like my mother...I mean my mom has always been in my life, but my grandmother was my mom too. She spoiled me and my sibling rotten! She got in our butts if we misbehaved. We lived with my grandmother our whole lives. When my grandfather died, my grandmother asked my mom to live with her, and she was with us until she died. My grandmother was a very strong woman. She endured a lot in her lifetime. Widowed twice. She grew up in an error when AA were not even considered human...She made a living for herself and her children. She raised not only her own 9 children, but many of her grandchildren, and tons of nieces and nephews. She was kind and loving. She was nurturing. She was a great cook. She was an excellent story teller. She was my everything. When she died, I was the first to get the news. The hospital was calling my mom, and I actually thought it was my mom calling, because my sister had been admitted to the hospital, she was threatening a miscarriage, so I thought it was my mom calling to tell me how she was doing. I was actually on my way to the hospital when i got the call. My mom had just left about 20 minutes prior, she could not wait for me..I was 6 months pregnant but HUGE...i could not get ready fast enough I guess... When the lady said she was calling from Mercy hospital, i kinda brushed her off, she asked for my mom, and I said she wasn't home and I had to leave, so what did she want... She said she was calling to inform us that Rosabelle Kennedy had expired...now it took about 2 minutes for the news to register and when it did...i took off. I started running and screaming. i ran down the stair and out the house. My husband caught me and just started saying "I'm sorry about Tracy's baby", he thought my sister had miscarried, when infact my grandmother died. The hardest thing I had to do was go tell my mother, without lettting my sister know what was going on...She kept saying "stop crying, the baby is fine, and i am too". I was thinking to myself, I am not crying over you..lol
I finally got a chance to go over to Mercy and see my grandmother, who looked at peace. I laid on her chest and cried for hours...My mom and aunt had to carry me out of there. For years, I have felt a void. I miss my grandmother soooooooo much! I wished she could be here. When she was here, I felt like I could overcome anything.. I felt this void the most at my wedding, but I felt her presence, right before I had to walk down the aisle. The room got so bright and warm, and I knew it was her. I know she saw me walk down the aisle. My son's birth actually helped me over my slump. I really felt like he got her soul. He has her eyes and in many ways is just like her... Her death taught me to enjoy each day you have with your family. Live life to the fullest and never take someone you love for granted. You never know when the next goodbye will be forever...woo can't believe I am getting emotional. Guess I will stop typing now..

Dana